Well, not entirely. I was listening to his new Christmas album (because I have nothing better to do) and it just got me thinking about how much I’ve come to loathe this holiday that I once cherished. I know everybody hates the traffic, the lines and the screaming children, but it goes a lot further for me. I love spending time with my family, but the world as a whole seems to just go down the tubes this time of year.
So what was it about The Biebs that brought up all of this fire and brimstone about the biggest holiday in the western hemisphere? It just reminded me of how different Christmas is now versus when I was a kid. For those of you who aren’t as chronologically advanced as me, let’s hop in the wayback machine and compare Christmas then and now.
1) Back in good ol’ ’91, I remember my mom complaining that Nordstrom was putting up their Christmas trees a whole week before thanksgiving. In 2011, you pray that any retailer waits that long.
2) Back in good ol’ ’91, you went shopping on Black Friday when the stores opened at their normal hours and it was pretty busy. In 2011, you leave your family behind at home, still in a turkey coma, and wait in line with a hundred other people at Best Buy to get an 80” plasma TV for a dollar. There’s only one available at that price, so when the doors open you have to resort to extreme measures to ensure you get it. The standard method is to use your bare hands to rip the spine out of the customer in front of you and swing it around screaming “THIS IS WHAT AWAITS ANY MAN, WOMAN OR CHILD THAT STANDS IN MY WAY. THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND LAST WARNING, MORTALS, FOR I AM THE DARK LORD AND I WILL HAVE MY TELEVISION.” Oh, and you weren’t going to give that TV to anybody.
3) Back in good ol’ ’91, I went shopping with my grandmother so I could pick out a present for my parents. A nice man ran up, held the door open for us and wished us well. In 2011, that same guy would pepper spray Nana to get a better spot in line at the checkout.
4) In good ol’ 91, David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing “The Little Drummer Boy” was about as commercial as Christmas music got. In 2011, you can’t buy a fucking cup of coffee without somebody trying to sell you a CD of Josh Groban’s melodramatic holiday wailing. (Fun fact: If you play that album outdoors, every animal in a 100 yard radius will run for its life.)
5) Back in good ol’ ’91, you could wish somebody a happy holiday and they would thank you. In 2011, if you wish somebody a happy holiday you’re likely to be screamed at and beaten with a shovel until your ears bleed because you’ve taken Christ out of Christmas. If there’s one thing that Jesus hates, it’s not the rampant commercialism, it’s not people going into debt and ruining their lives to buy material things, it’s not people trampling each other to death to get an Xbox on the cheap. Nope, Jesus hates it when you don’t say his name. Yeah, THAT is what is destroying Christmas.
6) Back in good ol’ ’91, we looked forward to the next Christmas just like we looked forward to the last one. In 2011, there won’t be a next Christmas because the world will end on December 21, 2012, just like the Mayans said. Apparently they knew that the allure of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 26 at the low low price of $19.99 would be too much for us to handle and the Earth would implode. This is the last one, folks. Enjoy it.
7) Back in good ol’ ’91, you did all of your shopping at a store. In 2011, you can do it all online and you don’t even have to wrap anything. Wait…on second thought, screw ’91. It’s cold outside and stores are insane. Amazon, you’re my best friend.
Don’t fret, dear Sammich fans. There’s still hope for the holiday season. Who can save Christmas? Who is so fantastically awesome that they could save the month of December from the jaws of capitalism? Who possesses such unparalleled powers of rock and roll that they could turn the tide? Who is brave enough to rescue Santa Clause from an Al-Qaeda safe house deep in the Afghan desert? KISS, that’s who. KISS saved Christmas once and they can save it again.
Jeff Higgins is the founder of Groove Sandwich and he aint no Scrooge.